Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
