last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
