How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
