He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
