i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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