Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
