he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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