checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
