at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
