end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
