i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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