don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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