Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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