My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
