I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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