When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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