goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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