im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize