The maid of honor just puked.
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
