I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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