i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
