She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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