you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
