and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
So much rum. So many feels.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
