A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Will exercising make me less horny?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
