I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize