wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
