If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
