I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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