all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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