You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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