Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
