Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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