I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
