Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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