I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize