Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
