Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Farmville is her only friend.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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