I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
