Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
