how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
