If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
