I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Randomize
