I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
