he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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