once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
