just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
