you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
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