this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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