Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
