My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
