Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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