she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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