i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
