we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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