I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize