Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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