Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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