You can't special order awesome
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
