I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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