a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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